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Late to come home
“My good neighbour, could you give me a loan of a poker? I’ve misplaced mine and can’t find it.”
“Any time, dear, but not now. My husband who’s supposed to have come home hours ago, isn’t home yet. Yours’s the same, isn’t he?”
You can’t see it
“You know, my wife is so skilful in mending rips and holes on clothes that you just can’t see any signs of damage!”
“Yeah, my wife too is blessed with some skills. After she launders my shirts you just can’t see they’ve been laundered.”
There’s nothing for me to do there
A married couple is on their way to a party. The husband is driving, his wife is giving him instructions:
“Now, behave yourself, don’t use any swear words, don’t drink too much liquor, and don’t stare at women, you hear?”
“Whoa!” The man reins in the horses. “We go back.”
“There’s nothing for me to do there, really, so I’d rather stay home.”
The doctor, after examining a patient, invites his wife who has been waiting outside the examination room, to come into his office.
“You see, there’s a health problem which may become really serious if your husband does not quit smoking immediately.”
“Don’t worry, doctor. He’ll give up smoking today.”
“But he told me he’d been smoking for many years and it may be difficult for him to give it up so abruptly. One needs a very strong willpower to do it!”
“Oh, no problem with that! I have an iron will!”
A richer neighbour tells a poorer one, “My good friend, could you come over to my place and help me mend the old pigsty? My sow has farrowed, and there are thirteen piglets in the litter and I want to move them into that pigpen. I’ll give you the thirteenth one, when it gets a little bigger, as payment, all right?”
Some time later, the richer neighbour who looks very upset, meets the poorer one and says, his voice quivering with emotion, “Oh my good friend, I’ve got very bad news, both for you and for me. That thirteenth piglet that I promised you, has died…”
Sleep after dinner
A wealthy peasant, who has hired several farm hands to work for him, instructs his servant, “When they sit down for breakfast, you give them also lunch and dinner, all in the same meal.”
The servant does as instructed.
The farmhands cannot eat at one sitting all the three meals combined into one, and leave for work, with at least half of what is offered uneaten. But the employer drives them very hard and by the end of the day they are hungry and exhausted. The same thing happens the next day and the next. Then a Gypsy gets hired, and when in the morning all the farmhands, the Gypsy included, sit down for breakfast, the servant begins to serve, as usual, the food for lunch and then for dinner right after the breakfast has been eaten.
When the meal is over, the employer says, “Now, boys, you’ve had your breakfast, lunch and dinner, and so get down to work.”
“Wait a minute,” says the Gypsy, “after dinner, normal people go to sleep, not to work. Have a good sleep, boys!”
Lady and her maidservant
As her lover leaves, the lady looks out the window and sees her husband walking towards the front door. The lady, horrified, calls the maid and tells her, “Look, when my husband asks about that man he has just left, tell him that it was you he came to see.”
The pretty maid replies, “I don’t think it’s a good idea because he’ll be much more upset and furious to learn it was me rather than you that that man paid a visit to!”
Managed to escape
A man comes out into the street early in the morning and sees his neighbour, running and breathing heavily.
“What’s the hurry?” asks the man.
“I gave my wife a beating.”
“Did you really? She misbehave?”
“But still, I don’t quite understand – why all this running? And why do you look so dishevelled and sort of bruised?”
“Well, I’ve managed to escape by the skin of my teeth.”
Drawings by Serhiy RYABOKON[Prev][Contents]